If the shoe fits…Posted: April 5, 2012
So I have a female house guest this week. First off, I should say this is no ordinary female house guest. This is a hot, smart, Turned-On Woman with big brown bedroom eyes and boundless energy. She is the kind of woman most of me would do almost anything to please, for whom in my previous lives I would put my own needs and petty preferences away in order to win her favor and have things “go smoothly”. She travels frequently and has a large appetite for romance, sex, OM, and all the rest which can be difficult to feed while on the road. So she lands here and guess what her favorite snack food is? Or should I say “who”. She’s here for a few days and man is she hungry.
Her visit is pushing my edges around physical intimacy, and the kind of intimacy that comes with telling the unflinching truth to somebody when you know it’s going to sting. To be honest, I feel a bit stuffed. Kind of like the way I feel after thanksgiving. I’m what you might call “well fed” in this department and I’ve told her, unless I can feel my desire, my raw, body based sensation I won’t move an inch in her direction. Let me tell you, this drives her insane. She threatens, cries, and gets pouty. And it’s all worth it. She’s learning, getting better at connecting with her desire, using it to draw mine out. There is a real skill in learning how to play with human hunger. I think this is the definition of seduction. She’s doing her research and I have to say I’m quite impressed and extremely grateful almost to the point of overwhelm that somebody reaches me that deeply. The fact that she stands in her desire, hears the truth and stays in it says a lot about how powerful she is.
This whole thing has exposed something about myself I find quite interesting. I’ve seen it before and it’s even more obvious now: If I want to be known for who I really am and feel more intimacy I am going to have to expose myself as… complex. This is a terrifying thought. Complex people have needs and ways they like to be handled. They desire quality attention to be placed upon them. They don’t necessarily want to be kissed in the morning on some days and every now and then they inexplicably want to be alone. To say that I’m simple and easygoing is true to an extent, and I think there is a way I’ve hid it to get what I want at the beginning of a relationship. If I don’t have as many foibles, intricacies, or idiosyncrasies it’s more difficult to be rejected for them, no? There’s quite a lot that happens at the onramp of a relationship so it’s probably a combination of things not the least of which would be resistance to being vulnerable, but I’m going to try this on for a while and see if the shoe fits.
The other glaring truth is that I’m sensitive enough now that I can call out the moment when the thing between us feels saturated and even just a touch more would be gratuitous. And it’s irritating to me when somebody can’t feel the natural end to a date, sex, or a conversation. I don’t think I’m the absolute arbiter of The Moment (what if I was?) but I know what feels good to me. Those extra few seconds of lip contact after the kiss is “done” make me want to scream inside. It’s part of the reason I enjoy when I feel attracted to an OMer. I find that people who have sensitized themselves with a practice such as OM can feel subtly in ways that my body is just grateful for.
Here’s to more intimacy.